Fading from my mind…



Bach. the unaccompanied cello suites, again…
dawn, again and again and again…
another dawn. the last dawn. and I remember.
I remember the sorrow. mine, hers… Heaps of sorrow. brutally penetrating my soul. vibrating inside me like a cello. burning inside me like an agony… a slow rhythmic agony… Jacqueline Du Pre alone. I, alone with a wounded cello… Ah! The cello!
I follow that music again… and I remember.
I remember crying, alone in the corner of my years, unnoticed, no one to see my tears. only she, tasting my grief. striking a cord, then another, then another.. drawing her bow like a swan.
I remember my lassitude. I remember now…
Decomposing like a long dead animal in the open. Raw and jolting. welcoming the worms. Turning on myself. Smelling the pus of my darkness… I felt it. moldy, repulsive to my mere senses…
there I was before, like a tree in desert, proud, resilient, spreading branches in every sky, embracing the sun with an eager burn..
there I was after, I lay down the weight of leaves, I dry my roots in the soft sand of my years, and wait to dwell in the decaying dampness of that fall…
There I can’t fight the urge to vomit anymore
There I wrote a suicide note
Charming I thought
to disintegrate in the fall…
to join the slime. to hug the cold…
This is not to die, I thought, this is to vanish… to become more minimal and basic… like an existence turned into dust, and dust amalgamating with nothingness… nothingness, a word to resonate in my non-existence for eternity…
till my echo is lost. and my shadow is ghost…
I embrace realty with no shame, no regret and no courage. I join life in its nonchalance, a grain of dirt swaying along with the tempests over the seas…

And streams of life flow over the soil underneath, taking away my conscience, with no return…

And I lose consciousness with the needle in my grip, the powder on my lip, and the smoke still clouding my sky…